Parents who have raised a teenage boy know the anxieties, frustrations, and ultimate joys of the journey. Despite emerging sexuality, wrecked cars, school suspensions, occasional trouble with the law, and experimentation with alcohol and/or other substances, most boys become responsible, productive men At times the metamorphosis from boy to man appears to be as mysterious as the origin of the Sphinx. The differences between boys and girls have been reexamined, and it is widely agreed that they extend well beyond the physical. Boys have a unique developmental style and definite emotional needs, but it takes living through their childhood and adolescent years to appreciate the challenges and joys of getting a boy to adulthood.
I worked as a psychologist in the public schools throughout my career, but some of my most practical insights came from being a parent. My profession gave the opportunity to give advice and opinions to teachers, pupils, and parents, as well as testing for special placement. The longer I worked and the older my son Cris became, the more I was intrigued with the mystery of how teenage boys developed into responsible men.
Several summers ago I was evaluating children for placement in a gifted program. Cris was 16 and driving. Not only had he wrecked two cars but he had collected several speeding tickets as well. I walked into the faculty room to get a drink and found Cyndy, the school secretary, having her lunch. Cyndy was a favorite at our school. Everyone loved to be with her as she was intrinsically genuine and had this wonderful wit and great love of life. Cyndy was the mother of four children, one a teenage boy.
“Hey,” Cyndy called as she saw me enter. “Come over here. Join me for a minute.” I sat down across from Cyndy. “So how’s Cris? Wrecked any more cars lately?” she teased.
“Let me tell you about the latest accident on Tuesday night. Cyndy, it’s just terrible. I feel so frustrated and incredibly inadequate. Here I am a trained psychologist. I’m not supposed to have a reckless child. I should know what to do.”
Cyndy listened, smiling to herself. Then she leaned over and put a hand on my arm. “Faye,” she said, “You know the problem, don’t you?”
“No, I don’t.”
“They can’t grow brains and balls at the same time,” Cyndy said with a twinkle in her eye.
Everyone in the room laughed and laughed, and then the insight came to me. Her innocent, funny comment was absolutely profound …a home run! Truth had been illuminated by a simple statement. Cyndy knew that many teenage boys were destined to do the things that drive parents crazy. The new hormones rushing through their bodies, together with a biological history of being hunters and warriors, definitely influence their judgment. Many boys simply have to experiment and push the limits in order to grow up and become independent. It’s a normal part of their passage into manhood that must be lived out directly and experientially.
I laughed some more, finished my drink and went back to work wiser and comforted by Cyndy’s simple, humorous, but deep insight. I passed the story on as I commiserated with other mothers of teenage boys. When I hit them with the punch line, the look on their faces was one of understanding, relief, and comfort. Suddenly, they seemed to see that maybe the development of their boys was a process they could not completely control. Their sons’ perplexing behaviors were usually normal and not necessarily because of inadequate parenting.
Meanwhile the struggle with Cris continued. Over time, the realization came that Cris was going to somehow achieve manhood his way regardless of the efforts to move him in the direction thought proper. Cris continued to receive support from his parents who never gave up. We came to accept that we had only limited control over what he did.
Sometime later, I was reflecting on what I had learned from my struggles and anxieties over my son. The hardest part was accepting that I had only limited control. I learned to support rather than control. At times I felt like giving up, but as Ms. Benning, Cris’ high school guidance counselor, once said, “Never, never give up on your child. If you do, it’s all over for them.”
